|—||my brother, a minute ago (via demigirlannie)|
I’m not racist but [throws a dart at a map] lithuanians don’t know shit about [spins a big wheel] creating lasting memories during early childhood?
since I’m 18 now I had to call the hospital myself to get test results and I was simply planning on saying that I had a blood test last week and if I could get the results back but when the woman answered I said “I want my blood back” and hung up the phone, so I’m never trying that again
HELP, i won ANOTHER free ipad! i had to kick my son out of the house to fill his room with all the ipads. i’m running out of space to put them. why must i be the one to spot the difference 90% of people can’t? why was i the chosen one
Why don’t astronauts just visit the sun at night?
um obviously because it will be too dark to see anything, there’s no point, also because the sun is trying to sleep we wouldn’t want to disturb it
shes like an an alcoholic elementary school teacher
i’ve always wanted to have sex on a camping trip
i hear it’s really in tents
i’ve been informed that a more appropriate punch line would be “it’s fucking in tents” so can we just pretend i said that first
im going to inject garlic bread into my blood stream